Mental health is a very serious topic. Depression has affected not only myself but many members of my family. My late ex-husband also struggled with symptoms of being bi-polar, but he refused to seek help and that was what led to our divorce. I try to make an effort to look after myself both mentally and physically. I have been challenged during my life with many difficult times. There were days where the world felt so cruel. It was hard to face each day. The loss of my son just days before his 21st birthday was an especially difficult time that took many months to work my way through. I never lost hope though that I would be better given enough time. I did get better and when I think of him now I remember the joy he brought to my life and not the pain of losing him. My marriage crumbling because of my husbands actions caused by his mental illness nearly broke me. I did find the strength to get through that, but it also brought a lot of anger. I then had to face his death just two and a half years later. I was left with questions and the distress of not having received the closure I had needed from him. It has taken about fourteen months, but I feel I have finally let it go. My study of Buddhism has helped immensely with this process.
As I have grown older I have thought about my own mortality. I have grown quite comfortable that my time in this life has a limited number of days. I do not know how long I have, It could be tomorrow or it could be thirty years from now. Over the past several years I was prepared to die. I felt I had lived the life I was meant to and while my accomplishments would never place me in the history books I was pleased at what I had done. I was fine if death came knocking. But then I became consumed with traveling to Nepal. I thought of nothing but seeing Mount Everest and making it to the Everest Base camp. I began training. I began researching not just the EBC trek but I other places I could go closer to home to train for it. I had ignited a desire in myself to live. I was so excited to have this goal... this dream. I wasn't okay with dying, at least not before I could complete this trek. But this past weekend for the first time in months I felt that fire lessen a bit. I felt that I was okay with deaths calling if he so chose that the time was nigh. I felt sad. I wondered how can I maintain the motivation to train for three more years if these feelings are reappearing after only three months.
I can't pinpoint the change in my mental state. Is it the unrelenting heat, 106f for several days now with no break in the 10 day forecast? Is it the sleepless nights wearing me down? Most likely a combination of the two. It could be that I alone am doing this. I do not share this blog or goal with others except my kids. I feel it is too soon to do so as so much can change.
I am not suicidal. I don't feel hopeless. I just often feel I have lived my life, achieved my goals and wonder what is left for me to do. I do not want to sit around. I do not want to get in a long term relationship. My time to be able to travel is limited due to the demands of work and finances ( also the weather tight now). I do miss being truly happy. I miss that giddiness when one is happy through to their core. It is not something I have ever felt often, but just enough to know what it feels like and how euphoric it is. I wonder if I will ever feel that happy again. It has been rare in my life to feel that level of joy. So joyful that you just can't stop smiling. It has been several years since I felt like that. Am I happy? I suppose I am in general. But I also feel something disheartening and I just don't have the energy to figure it out. I hate this. I won't give up though. I've Alaska coming up soon and hopefully cooler Autumn weather will be just around the corner after I return home. I'll get my grove back. Just give me some time.
I've got a goal to accomplish. A fire to ignite.
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