True Joy

 I'm wandering a bit off into my personal life today. I just want to reflect on my mental state. As I drove into work this morning ( I have a forty minute drive so a lot of time to think) I was realizing that I am happy. Not just a I'm happy in this moment because something good happened. It is an overall feeling of happiness. This kind of contentment and joy has been a rarity in my life. It's not to say I have been a sad person - I'm generally not. It's just that distractions kept me from being filled with the kind of joy I now feel. Why do I feel this way and how do I hold on to it? Here are my thoughts - in a list.

1. I am only responsible for myself and my own emotions. I am not in a relationship nor do I have any desire to be in one again. 

2. I have goals to work towards.

3. Each morning I wake up healthy, happy and one day closer to retirement.

4. I eat, sleep, spend money however I want  as I only answer to myself.

5. My house is my home. I love my cozy little cottage. I do not have to share it with anyone. 

6. My workouts make me happy. I feel better and more energetic and the workouts will help me to achieve my goals. 

7. I am happy with myself, I enjoy my own company. 

8. I have time and money to do fun things with my adult kids. 

9. My adult kids are thriving (finally). 

10. I am confident in the decisions I make. 

My life has been filled with ups and downs. So much heartbreak and tragedy. I always tried to find positives to focus on even in the darkest times. There were days though that I did not want to continue living. There were days where it hurt to breathe I was in so much pain from the tragic loss of my eldest son. I had times when I lacked the confidence to get out of a bad relationship because I didn't think I could make it on my own. I was miserable and kept getting my heartbroken repeatedly until I found the strength to say enough is enough. That strength saw me through and I landed on my feet and life is now so much better than I could have ever imagined. 

So as I approach my sixty-fifth birthday, I am facing the fact that I can no longer fool myself that I'm not an old lady. But I do not feel old and I do not want to act old. I do however have to plan ahead for eventually not feeling as young as I would like. Hopefully that will be a long time from now. 

I will live my life in a joyful way. Only I am responsible for my happiness. I choose joy.