I sometimes think about why I became so introverted. I wasn't always this way. I suppose the first life experiences that made me a bit distrustful was being bullied in Junior High School. I also never was part of a large group of friends, I always did prefer a tighter group or just a few close friends that I could trust. I found that when the group got large there would be discontent and gossip about whoever wasn't around. I could never trust a group that did that. As I got older the close friends became fewer as family and work created more demands. I now find that I have family left around me and that is pretty much it. I am fine with that, but I am at times a little bit lonely.
The losses I have faced in my life have also led me to withdraw more. Deaths and divorces just added to the withdrawal from people. I found that after my son died that people were often uncomfortable around me. They didn't know what to say, or worried they would say something inappropriate. I think they also thought I wouldn't want to get out and have fun and laugh. Maybe I didn't, I know I did enjoy my own company during that time. I had a lot to think about and work through.
As I grow older I find that crowds (especially the noise) adds to to my stress and anxiety. I really do try to avoid them as much as possible. I am also withdrawing more from society due to the collapse of kindness. I am in shock at the rudeness of others, the name-calling, hatred, racism, homophobia etc. that is now rampant in our society. The lack of acceptance in differences have become mainstream by many in our society. It is enough to send me fleeing into the wilderness to stay. Gun violence and the lack of our leaders to tackle it is shocking. The fact that people accept it, even more so.
I do not want to live in a society that is like this. I am too tired to take on the battle and face the inevitable defeat.
So instead I go hiking.
Alone.
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